Randomonium


Welcome to my act!

I never follow anyone’s advice, so I don’t give any.

Anonymity is my claim to fame.

Count miles, not calories.

I speak Spanish and English, but neither is a foreign language.

Life is like a boxing match. You will get punched, so you better learn to roll with the punches.

Back in the day, no one said back in the day.

I covet my neighbor’s wife’s car.

If a tree falls in the forest and I hear it, should I tell anyone?

I never try to be anyone other than who I am.

Work hard, but also work smart.

I never met a Margarita I didn’t like.

In the future, everyone will be nostalgic.

Why be normal? Eccentric people live longer.

On the Internet, my life is an open book that no one reads.

My wife and I discovered that one plus one make three, then four, then five.

If you make a mountain out of a molehill, you can’t sweep it under the rug.

On the Internet, “free” doesn’t mean “free.”

In the future, everyone will appear on YouTube.com

YouTube.com will become more believable than the news.

Second Childhood? I still haven’t outgrown my first childhood.

The Internet has stopped the universe from expanding.

Stretch marks are character lines.

I wish I could write a book on all the things I don’t know about life.

I wish I was Adam or Eve every time I dig out lint from my bellybutton.

I used to have a cell phone, until everyone actually started calling me up.

A friend in need really shouldn’t call me first.

I never forget the past because I just can’t let it go.

Not all fairy tales begin, “Once upon a time …”

My only regret in life is that I wasn’t born in Chicago.

When in Rome, do as the Roman authorities request.

Age is just a state of mind.

You will never know what you have until it’s irretrievably lost, but you won’t realize it until you unsuccessfully try to get it back.

The trouble with having a good memory is that you always remember things that you should forget.

I think, therefore I err.

Keeping a Blog is cheaper than seeing a psychiatrist.

I’m fighting world hunger one step at a time by by eating everyday.

Those who fail History 101, are condemned to repeat it next semester.

I cannot tell a lie. George Washington cut down the cherry tree.

My brother is proud of the fact that the drug-sniffing dogs at the airport like him.

The reason I can remember grammar rules so well is that I have read so many grammar books.

If you wanted to talk to someone who gets to the point, why did you call me?

Anything that is worth doing at all is worth doing in excess.

Remember that your past will be present in your future.

Avoid those who judge you by their own limitations.

People who are impressed by shiny objects are not really worth impressing.

You can fake great sex and you can even fake being in love, but you can never fake a good conversation.

If everything seems to be going your way, you’re probably in the wrong place.

The person you marry is not the same person you divorce.

They who have learned to learn need no teachers.

Chess players speak a universal language.

Genius requires a little bit of craziness.

Don’t take me seriously when I’m joking.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family and now I have dysfunctional family of my own.

If there’s such a thing as reincarnation, I want to come back as the Las Vegas Elvis Presley.

If I march to the beat of a different drummer, it’s because I wear headphones.

William Shakespeare never took a playwriting class.

She wore so much makeup I thought she was a mime.

I can only hope with all my heart to be half as cool as you.

I took the summer off to find myself. Now, I’m really lost!

It ain’t about the money. It’s about earning a living.

I once captured an ornamental lawn deer and set it free on a miniature golf course.

If you love something and you let it go, you will regret it the rest of your life!

Twenty years ago, my friend was going to college full-time and working at McDonald’s part-time. Now she’s working at McDonald’s full-time and going to college part-time.

Walk the walk. Talk the talk. But know when to sit down and shut up!

Check your ego at the door.

If you try to pet a vicious dog, you will get bitten.

I know you love me. But … Do you like me?

It’s not the getting there, but the being there that counts.

Sometimes rumors are truer than the facts.

I have such a good memory that I even remember things that never even happened.

Every day I wake up is a good day.

In-laws are family, too.

As I was mowing my lawn, the UPS guy walked past me, with a package for me, all the way up to my front door to get a signature for the delivery. Did I look that Mexican?

I have three sons because I wanted a daughter.

Falling in love is easy. The trick is staying in love.

I stay in shape by doing situps, but I call my six-pack, Corona.

I have all the answers if you ask me the right questions.

Bright lights scare me. I may have been a moth in a previous life.

Wow! That was deep!

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